How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
