12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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