Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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