Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
