i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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