I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
