No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
