things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
