Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
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