My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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