My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
