You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize