Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize