so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
