so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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