P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
