I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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