What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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