I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
