My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
