get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
