Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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