I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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