the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Randomize
