I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Still dying that you shit outside
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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