the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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