He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
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