Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
