A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize