dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
