I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
