one two three fourrrrnication!
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
