I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
a search helicopter?!
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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