I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
