k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
