Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
