k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
