What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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