Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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