I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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