I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
