I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
