You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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