Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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