Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
