Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He felt like a one man threesome
17 year olds will be the death of me.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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