Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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