I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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