Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
