Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
