if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
