you turned your livingroom into a bong?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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