i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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