How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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