I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
