i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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