Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
