I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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