and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
