All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize