I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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