3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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