I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
