oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
