okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
