I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
