I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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